Sports Science

Whites and Blacks have competed athletically on an even playing field for what seems far too long. How long? Well long enough to prove that blacks and whites can't compete on an even playing field. Statistics, empirical data and common sense tell us that opportunities for white athletes are being lost every year. How do whites endure and how can they continue to compete, when science tell us that whites have as much of a chance of future success as a Shawn Bradley post move?
Science has long known that whites are slower and can't jump as high as their black counterparts.

Don't believe me? When is the last time you saw a white sprinter compete in a race?

Sure Germans and Russians, but they don't really know any black guys. Even if they did would you believe they were really a German or a Russian. I know I wouldn't, but then again I'm a scientist.

Of course there are a couple of fast white guys. No particular name springs to mind. These "examples" can be dismissed as genetic accidents. Proof being that most fast white guys can't catch, or hit, or really do much to help their teams.
They only seem to impress sports announcers who drone on and on about how one of these "freaks" was the fastest guy in high school, but right about then the aforementioned "mutant" drops the ball or commits a bonehead play making his so called speed seem all the more tragic.



White men can't jump. I think Woody Harrelson articulated that point rather eloquently by getting his ass kicked routinely by Wesley Snipes, who is about 5' 2". I know this because a buddy of mine saw him on a ski lift in Aspen. He's tiny. Sure one of Rick Berry's kid won the slam dunk competition, but let's be serious, it wasn't that great of a dunk. It just looked impressive because it was a white fella "hanging" up there for what seemed like so long. Barry himself was "knocked out by the dunk" and commented that he'd "like to try one in a game some time.".


Jumping has never been kind to white folks. The last time whites jumped with any success was when the market crashed in 1929. In medieval times the best jumpers were recruited for front line battle duty. Their gravity defying antics allowed them to absorb the onslaught of spears and arrows and other flying projectiles. These leaping martyrs were no doubt killed, or rendered impotent before they had a chance to reproduce.
Mothers who's children demonstrated jumping abilities encouraged their young to adopt a sedentary lifestyle. Leading to the contemporary custom of the fat tub of shit who sits next to you at the bar and tells you how he could sky when he was a kid.



Historically blacks have dominated whites athletically. We turn to the Crusades as an example. During the Holy Wars despite the fact whites had more preparation and better training facilities they still got their ass handed to them by some Muslim. Not much has changed.




Is there still a place for the white athlete in the 21st century? Let's not get alarmed. There will always a niche for the white athlete. Relax, we're not Indians. Whites have proven they can still dominate at a few strategic positions: punters, kickers, longsnappers,utlitymen, left-handed relief pitchers, bowlers...

We can create new positions like a "free throw specialists", or a"non-running quarterbacks". Or create new opportunities by borrowing an idea from the ladies and create a league of their own. Or maybe just play the women and slap those bitches around, dominate and let our hearts fill with joy.

And when these leagues fold we still have the movies. We can make films and dream.

After all it is still our America. We can always coach.